As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another Prov 27:17 NIV
Developing Healthy Male Relationships
WHAT IS A MAN?
In order to understand how men who have had wrong emotional, relational and sexual issues with other men can enjoy healthy relationships with other men, we must first understand what a man is. Definitions and understanding of the “man” are undergoing change, becoming more fluid and whimsical with every new societal wind. But as men who love God, we must hold to the biblical explanation of a man. When we correct our understanding (Prov 4:7), we can properly judge which relationships are beneficial for us and which are not. Furthermore, we can judge whether or not our relationships will bring glory to God. Let us accept these statements as indicative of what a man is:
- A man is determined (He will prioritize his life so that the will of God is first)
- A man is committed (He recognizes his responsibility in his circle of influence)
- A man has integrity ( He carries out the above with honesty and good moral character)
Red flags in unhealthy relationships (manipulation and developing co-dependency)
We should never ignore warning signs or the voice of the Holy Spirit in our assessments of what consitutes healthy male relationships. Are any of the following "red flags" dominant traits in any relationships you currently have? If so, you need to make sound decisions about the continued direction of such relationships.
1. Prefers to spend too much time alone with you.
2. Is unwilling to make short or long range plans without including you.
3. Expresses that he has had romantic or sexual feelings about you.
4. Displays physical affection above what is normal.
5. Creating or exaggerating problems to gain your sympathy or attention.
6. Attempting to make you feel guilty over unmet expectations “I was going to call you last night but you are always too busy”
7. Pouting, brooding or cold silences in your presence.
8. Excessive flattery and praise “you’re the only one who really understands me.”
Biblical precedents for healthy male relationships
Contrary to what religious homosexuals assert, the Bible contains no positive portrayals of sexual relationships between persons of the same gender. It does, however, detail several positive models of how men should relate to one another.
1.David and Jonathan modeled covenant male friendship-1 Sam 18:1-4
2.Saul and Barnabus modeled respectful companionship and ministry even in disagreement-Acts 13:1-5; 15:36-41
4.Jesus and Lazarus modeled a proper love relationship between men—Jn 11:1,32-36
Mistakes you can make
1. Getting too close too quick (physically)
2. Telling too much too soon (your past)
3. Expecting too much too soon (commitment)
4. Being unwilling to enter his world
DEVELOPING LEVELS OF RELATIONSHIPS
Does God want men to experience intimacy (deep spiritual bonding) with each other? Yes He does. Building healthy relationships take time. It involves commitment, not in the sense that you are intentionally looking to single out someone for a relationship, but that you allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in entering into and remaining in relationships which will glorify God. There are four levels of relationships. The progress of each is dependent upon the individual and the unavoidable circumstances of life. Keep in mind that all relationships are tested at all levels. The testing of relationship is a reminder that love is about commitment.
Relationship building at the Acquaintance Level
Be alert to new brothers around you
Have a friendly countenance
Learn and remember his name
Greet him by name
Ask him appropriate questions which reflect your common interests
Listen to him
Remind yourself that God has an interest in him and is much more important than yours
Relationship building at the Casual Friendship Level
Discover his strong points
Learn about the hopes and desires he has for his life
Develop and ask him appropriate specific questions
Show concern if he shares a problem with you
Be honest about yourself and acknowledge your faults with him when appropriate
Reflect interest and trustworthiness in being his friend
Talk with God about him and his needs
Relationship building at the Close Friendship Level
See potential achievement in his life
Discover and discuss specific goals he has
Assume a personal responsibility for helping him develop these goals
Be creative in suggesting activities which will help him achieve those goals
Be alert to Scripture which would guide and encourage him
Relationships at the Intimate Friendship Level
Learn to comfort him in his trials
Assume personal responsibility for his reputation
Be sensitive to traits and attitudes which need improvement in yourself and him
Discern basic causes of character deficiencies
Allow him to tell you about your faults
Be committed to faithfulness, loyalty and availability.
CONCLUSION : IRON SHARPENS IRON
Men do need other men to impart, strengthen, enlighten, challenge, uplift, love and defend them. The Bible encourages covenant when men become friends. A covenant is a promise, mutual love, an agreement and a formation of unity. Men can and should maintain healthy relationships built not on externals, but on loving enjoyment of each other, acceptance and loyalty. Men who struggle against homosexuality have a tendency to sexualize these noble purposes and thus find themselves never achieving the satisfaction of true relationship with other men. No where does the Bible ever encourage, sanction or promote sexual relationships between men. Please remember that. Although there is nothing wrong with having a majority of formerly gay men in your friendship circles, you should seek out and maintain friendships with men who do not have or have not had homo-emotional or homo-sexual issues to learn and grow. In the natural, only iron can sharpen iron, but that is because it is what it is: iron. When a man is the man God has purposed for him to be, he can sharpen and be sharpened by other men.
Lessons about Life Series
for brothers who struggle
