Straight Talk for formerly gay men with marriage
and dating on their minds
note: commentary provided by author who wishes to remain anonymous
I have learned in my journey thus far that between the ages of 2 and 12, boys come together to bond and to play. Even if they are teased by other boys on the play-ground, they stand up for themselves and get right back into the game. They spend a large amount of time together and a comfort level is formed.
Since the sexual urges are dormant, there is no sexual arousal when they swim in watering holes, have sleepovers or wrestle in the mud. Boys naturally gravitate towards each other and bond over activities while the world of girls seem foreign and strange to them. Boys find support, comfort and affection in this secret world of 'boydom' until they hit puberty and their bodies are reacting to the presence of the fairer sex. They now have their fill of male affection, attention and appreciation and can now fully focus on meeting the many needs of women in the years to come.
That is why is it unfair for a SSA[same sex attracted] struggling man to marry when he has not dealt with his issue of lack. His wife will come to him for love and he will not be able to give any to her which makes her confused, frustrated and eventually bitter. Her husband's unmet emotional needs are for male affection while the wife is looking at him to meet her emotional needs as husbands should. A husband can't give what he never received in his formative years. If a wife does not receive love daily from her husband, she shuts down, wilts and becomes resentful. That's why the bible said for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church....then and only then the wife will submit to the husband's will and desires.
I have learned that when we are cut off from the world of men and did not get affection from our fathers or when we shy away in fear, the intense pangs of same sex attraction rears it's ugly head. It is during these years when being shut off from our peers, low self esteem, overpowering mother, emotionally absent father or sexual abuse confuses us and plants the seed of SSA within our young minds.
The need to belong is normal, the need for hugs, approval and handshakes from men are critical in our growth and development as emotionally healthy males. We need this daily in order to thrive. That's why grown men congregate at every chance they get. The more we are denied this birthright, the more intense the SSA urges become
until we satisfy this normal urge for male bonding in an unnatural way…..acting out sexually, lusting and porn (which only scratches the itch for a brief moment). Brothers, take the initiative in shaking the hands of males you come in contact with. It tells them that you are sure of yourself, that you are assertive and 9 times of out 10, the man will extend his hand to you in greeting. I was scared to do this at first and I felt my heart coming through my throat, but the warmth and affection I receive soon made the irrational fear of rejection depart.
We have been hurt, rejected and criticized for so long (by ourselves and by others) that we pull into our shell to protect ourselves, which is not good since it only intensifies the lonely feeling we have within. When you hug and you become aroused, it tells you that you now have to renew your mind (conditioning) to tell yourself that men are for friendship and women are for sexual fulfillment. Having sex with a man is a deadend, you are planting lifegiving seeds into an area meant for waste. That's why the lifestyle is a dead-end and a deathstyle. So, continue to hug without fear of being called gay, because your arousal is the last thing on the mind of the man you are hugging. He doesn't struggle with SSA and might not be as self conscious as you.
I have learned that making friends takes time and cannot be rushed. A non-SSA male will pull away from you should he feel pressured into a friendship. It is a process of sharing, making yourself available with a positive attitude and an open mind. Get out and join groups and clubs that have a large percentage of males. Find something in common when you talk and be genuinely interested in his concerns.Exchange numbers and let the friendship takes its natural course. Don't rush it or expect an instant bonding. Males take time to build friendship and they bond over doing common things (jogging club, tennis club, car club, etc). Remember, since our male affection 'well' is running on low from lack of receiving sufficient love in our formative years, the old part of ourselves will 'scream' for an instant result as when we were getting quick physical pleasure from another male.
This quick physical pleasure never seem to satisfy or it did not last! Making close friends puts love back into our depleted 'wells' and you will come away with a healthy level of self respect, no guilt and possibly a life-long male friend in the end. You have to bite the bullet and get out there where right thinking men are and don't' rush it. Remember, there is no perfect man. Even the airbrushed pics on the web or an Adonis we might see on the street have their issues also. In my baseball team, I have seen men who do not struggle with SSA but who struggle with anger, foul mouth, drug abuse and nasty tempers. One of them even told me that he would willingly exchange my SSA struggles for his warring spirit to always want to fight at the drop of the hat when life doesn't go his way. Go figure!
All along I pled with God to take away this SSA struggle (fear of men, sexual abuse as a boy, absent father, lack of boyhood friends and acting out), yet God told me that in my weakness he has made me strong. Strong to make a different in this world and to eventually fulfill my purpose that Our Heavenly father has for me. I don't want to be six feet under the ground and didn't fulfill my purpose. Obsessing over my SSA only takes away valuable time and energy from me. Renewing the mind takes time and in my life, the battle is on between my spirit and my flesh who wants to be feed on what's not good for it. The one that eventually wins is the one that I FEED. If I feed on porn, lusting and illicit behavior, the flesh will win and become stronger the next time that I am tempted. If I feed on the living water which will never make me thirsty (the Bible), I will become stronger to resist the temptation and then to turn and walk away from what's tempting me.
That means I have to be conscious of getting Time, Talk and Touch with my fellow brothers every day. If I neglect that, then I will fall!
To get my mind and spirit in the right path each day, I use devotions from devotion websites or books that validate my worth through God. The bible tells me that I am wonderfully and marvelously made in God's image, therefore I should trust him to find my value as a man and not to worship the image of man (idols) by lusting after them, hoping that some man can be substituted as my god. That can never work! I ponder on the goodness and mercy of God because many SSA men who I know are struggling with HIV/AIDS, many are hooked on drugs and can't get out of it, many are depressed in the gay lifestyle (there's nothing 'gay' or happy about it). Even if I fall on this journey towards wholeness and holiness, I will GET UP again and go to my Heavenly Father who will forgive me and love me. Even when my earthly daddy fails me, my heavenly daddy is there for me.
Remember, SSA is only the tip of the iceberg of who we are. If we did deep below, we will find other issues that we have to deal with (fears, anger, deception, lack of faith, etc). When we are truthful and are willing to do the WORK required to get understanding, we will find healing for our pain. I have also learned that good men are all around us, men who have interests that you share.
You do have something vital to contribute to the life of another man. Sit down and write what interest you and what stirs passion within you, then match up organizations, clubs and church groups that have a large male following. If sports is challenging to you right now, then join an all male chorus and then make an effort to reach out to at least one or two members each time you meet for rehearsal. Life is hard, but sitting down and not doing anything makes life even harder (LONELY when you have no friends, HUNGRY for emotional love, ANGRY that no one cares and being TIRED of carrying the SSA heavy load on your back)
Change is possible and giving up is NOT an option on this journey!!! My brother, you are loved more than you'll ever know.