My First Kiss

by Minister Rod Hines

A first kiss is supposed to be a memorable time in your life. Like your first Christmas, your first driving license, or the first time successfully riding a bike on two wheels, a first kiss holds major significance in our lives. Who knew that mine would be so memorable?

The Good Ole Days

    At ten years old, I lived a simple life. My life consisted of school work, spending time at home with my parents, doing my daily chores and church. Yes, I am a church boy. It seemed like whenever the church doors opened I was there. And I loved every minute. Everything I loved to do and everyone I loved was there, especially my godmother.

    My godmother was the best. She was a bomb cook, had a great spirit, a loving heart, and a great sense of humor. Plus she brought me free ice cream from her job all the time. She was the bomb. One of the moments I used to anticipate, was sleepovers at my godmothers’ house. It was there that I learned how to take care of myself. From washing the dishes to cooking my own dinner (which would consist of marshmallows melted on crackers), she taught me how to be independent. And I also got to spend time with my big godbrother who was around 16 years old. Playing ball, riding bikes, roller skating, hangin’ out with him and his homies, I loved all of it and I loved having a big brother. Yes, my favorite times were spent at my godmothers’ house.

That Kiss

   That summer, I went over my godmother’s house for a sleepover.  But I had no idea that that sleepover would be different than others. Later on that day, something strange happened. My God brother asked me, “Have you ever kissed a girl?”

  “Yes,” I said. But I was lying. I didn’t want to seem inexperienced.

He asked me, “Do you want to learn how to kiss?”

  “Yes,” I said. I was excited that my godbrother was going to tell me about it and anxious to learn from him.

    Then he did something I didn’t expect, he picked me up, placed my back against the living room wall and kissed me. Not a peck but a full on French kiss.  He then continued to grab me and hold me, kissing me. I didn’t fight. I just went with the whole ordeal like it was cool.

After we finished the kissed, he said "now you know how" and kissed me again. Then we went out and played in the street with his homies.

I was confused. I didn’t know what to think. My first kiss was with a guy, I didn’t fight it and to make matters worse with my god brother, the one I put on a pedestal. I did not know what to think. I knew I could not tell anyone what had occurred; I felt that it was my fault. My body was reacting to what I was receiving and I was still confused. But I felt dirty. After that we spent the day like nothing happened, but my life changed forever.

The Afterglow?

    After that event, my relationship with my godmother and brother was never the same. I went to her house but it was different; I still enjoyed it but I was not as free as before. My godbrother and I were close, but after that event we became more and more distant. I still loved my god mother, but was not comfortable over house. I made a point to not go over her house. And my relationship with my godbrother was destroyed.

    For years after that event, I was haunted by that moment and lived in reaction to that moment. I found it had to go after girls, not knowing if I really wanted them or if I wanted guys. I was not an athlete, although I loved some sports, but I was an aspiring pianist and singer. I did feel different from other guys. My self-esteem was contingent on my ability to sing and play the piano. I felt unattractive and unmanly.

   Soon after that horrible experience, my daily devotion was not reading my Bible or prayer time with God, but I fell into a risky routine of phone sex and sneaking porn on the television. During this time, my parents cared for me, but they did'nt know what I was going through. Probably like many teens, I felt like I could only trust my parents with certain things.  Definitely not my struggles with my sexuality.

    Once I was 15, I began to live a double life. I took on the life like a familiar garment and played the role of saved musician and devout son like an academy award actor. I grew up playing the church boy and living with my friends like I wanted. My domain were clubs like the Catch, the Study, the Annex, West Hollywood, and Griffith Park. Occasionally feeling bad about my life, but too afraid to let go of what I thought I had.

The DHW

    It was not until the age of 23 that I found what I never though I would find. Deliverance.

I’d started going to Wednesday night Bible Study because I had heard that the preacher was really good. I never frequented this particular church because it was known for having a large constituency of homosexuals and dl brothas in the congregation.  Plus I knew a few guys that I used to mess around with went there. So, I sat in the balcony.

    It was in the balcony where one night something amazing happened. The message that night hit me hard and found me right where I was. The preacher spoke and described the characteristics of a particular friend.  

    By the time he finished he gave the punch line and the friend he was describing was none other than satan. It was then that I heard the voice of God saying, “Do you want to be delivered?”

And I said, “Yes.” It was then that I felt a power I had never felt before and not just emotion but I felt something pulled out of me. And after thanking God with all the gratitude I could muster. I walked out never to be the same. I walked out into a process that I call (DHW =delivered to be healed into wholeness). This process is built upon these two scriptures from the Word of God which says: Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.” James 4:7-10 (NIV)

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1 (NIV)

   I felt my shame and fear leave. Thank God. After that moment, it seemed like I could hear God say to me, “Lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” Matthew 28:20b (KJV)

The Wedding

   Years after that moment, I am still walking in DHW. And I know I am because the Lord had a surprise for me that I never thought I would see. I received a call from my God brother. We had reconciled to a point and I had confronted him and forgiven him. He asked me to sing at his wedding.  My gut response was no. I ain’t doing it, but for some reason my spirit said yes.

   So I received the invite and the address to where it was to be held. And I received the assignment.  It was held in West Hollywood on Santa Monica Blvd. I was not ready. I got there and saw the wedding guests all excited, but I was nervous and scared. What if I mess up? What if I say the wrong thing to him and or his bride, or his kids? What if I haul off and kick his butt for those years of pain?  So I called my prophetic coach, she prayed with me and I felt God and felt His peace.

   I walked in and enjoyed the ceremony. Even the part where they ask if anyone has a reason why they should not be married let him speak now or forever hold his peace, and I held it. I walked in and sang to the glory of God. And watched my God brother get married to the woman he loved.  I could feel something deep on the inside it was wholeness. I felt all the anger leave me, and a place of contentment when he kissed her, for I knew that God had released me from the pain I had felt and had blessed me with a holy kiss.

   God restored me, healed my brokenness. He healed the ‘lil boy that was hurt and confused and made him into a man of God who loves to help other youth and young adults who are suffering with sexual and relational brokenness through the delivering fire power of God. El Shaddai!  Hallelujah!! Praise God!!

Minister Rod Hines is founder of Rpurpose Ministries in the Los Angeles area which focuses on reaching out to same sex attracted teens with truth and love. "My First Kiss" is an excerpt from the forthcoming book of same title by Rod Hines.

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