Out of the lion's den

by Jacqueline D. Carter

Most people think that all homosexuals were sexually abused as children, and even though that may be true in some cases, that's not true in every case. For me, the road started as a result of past hurts, pain, abandonment, not feeling loved and broken relationships. But the end result was the same, a life where I was a prisoner of my own sin. Because of the hurt, pain and the lack of trust I had for men, this opened the door to my curiosity for the lesbian lifestyle.

Around June 1996, while I was working as a parole office in Dallas I met a woman named Denise. I immediately knew Denise was gay, but it really didnt matter to me because I just looked at her as a co-worker. But after a while we became very close and I felt comfortable enough to tell her that I was curious about what it was like to be with a woman.

At first she would tell me about the things her and her girlfriend would do. Of course these stories were interesting to me, and the more we talked about it, the more I found myself incleasingly intrigued.

So after a few years of feeding my spirit nothing but lesbian desires and with my inhibitions about lesbian behavior almost gone, I accepted my new "identity." Now that I fully embraced what I felt was my identity as a lesbian, I felt that I should come out and announce it to my family. I still knew in the back of my mind that this lifestyle was wrong, but I was too deep into it now and did not have the power to get out.

Because I was in a downward spiral that I could not control, I ended up moving in with a woman that I'd only known for a short time. She and I lived together for about two years, and during those two years someone looking at the relationship from the outside would think that we had the perfect loving lesbian relationship. We had even started a business together. This looked good from the outside, but I was slowly dying spiritually on the inside.

One day while in a lesbian chat room online, I can't explain what came over me, by I knew that day that I didn't want to spend my life unhappy, surrounded by negative, bitter, backbiting, angry and hateful women. The conviction inside of me was so strong at this time that I prayed to God and asked him to help me get out of this lifestyle. I felt like I was in a den of lions and the danger was closing in on me fast.  I was so unhappy and didnt know what else to do.

I didn't know how I was going to tell my partner about the decision to get out of homosexuality, but I knew that I had to tell her. I remember praying --again-- and asking God to put the words in my mouth. It was going to be the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I thank God for answering my prayers. I gained the courage and strength to tell my lesbian partner that I no longer wanted to be that way. After seven years of lesbianism,I was finally free from that bondage!

Today, I am walking out my deliverance, a journey that I am glad to be on because it will lead me to holiness and righteousness. I'm experiencing a newfound joy of living free from homosexuality. The walk is not always easy, and there are struggles, but the grace of God gives me the strength and confidence to help me win this race. God's word told me he would never leave me nor forsake me.

I believe that full recovery from homosexuality is definitely possible. I also believe strugglers should focus on progress not perfection. As the Lord continually works in my life, I am totally focused on pleasing him. Its gives me joy unspeakable and full of glory to know that I no longer have to search for and desire the love and affection of women outside of God's will for me. If I delight myself in the Lord, he will give me the desires of my heart (Psalms 37:4)

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